RIVENDELL — Gandalf the White has arrived with haste at the house of Elrond, suddenly referring to himself as Gandalf the Black. According to the iced-out wizard now wearing a black robe, word on the street is that the Elves are paying out $1 million in reparations, and he is here to claim his bag.

"A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to get that bread, homie!" said Gandalf the Black walking over and leaning on his pimp cane to greet Master Elrond. "Now where's all that paper cheddar I've been hearing about, Big E?"

According to sources, Elrond made an uncomfortable and confused expression moments before Gandalf pulled him in for a complicated handshake that they had never done before. "Gandalf, my friend," said Elrond. "You cannot pass as black. These reparations are not intended for you."

"Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks, playa!" replied Gandalf the Black. "I pity the fool who tries to pass! Now fly, fool, and get me my money."

At publishing time, Gandalf had been asked to leave Rivendell after once again trying to prove his authenticity by speaking the Black Speech of Mordor.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.