Fun New 'Antifa On The Shelf' Doll Burns Down Different Part Of Your House Every Night
Life · Dec 6, 2022 ·

ATLANTA, GA — This week, the parent company of the popular toy "Elf on a Shelf" announced a new extension to their product line – "Antifa On A Shelf," an Antifa-themed doll that burns down a different part of the house every night while the family sleeps.

"We wanted a product offering for our communist revolutionary customers who wish to celebrate Christmas," Lumistella Company President Mike Champion said in a statement. "This rascally toy promises the most surprises of any of our shelf-dwellers yet – to prepare for all the protests for racial justice, you'll need more than some cardboard for your windows!"

"It's our most peaceful toy yet!"

According to promotional material for what many are calling "Comrade Jingles," young children can anticipate fun new destruction from the activist toy every morning, from torched dollhouses to burned-out and overturned Hot Wheels cars. The violent doll is characterized on the box as a "lovable prankster," and parents are encouraged to ask their children to predict which parts of the house will be smoking wreckage when they scamper out of bed each day to locate the roguish vandal and inspect the new destruction.

Anticipating litigation arising from the property damage, The Lumistella Company has partnered with Vice President Kamala Harris to deny the presence of graffiti, broken windows, or arson committed by the mischievous elf and bail out any toy company executives deemed responsible. The purchase agreement also includes language forestalling lawsuits arising from "any and all firebombings that promote freedom, justice, and equity, including but not limited to the torching of kitchens, bathrooms, bedrooms, or garage interiors or exteriors, or any other symbols of white heteronormative oppression."

At publishing time, several homes reported that their "Antifa On A Shelf" dolls had taken over the downstairs sections of their homes and declared them "Elf Autonomous Zones," causing the families to retreat upstairs and barricade themselves for safety until police arrived.

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