FLORIDA—As Florida finally wrapped up its contentious recount of the votes tallied in the recent midterm elections, a winner was finally declared: Al Gore is now the president of the United States.
The recount process at long last found the "missing votes" that would have handed Gore the presidency back in 2000, making him the official president of the country.
"Well, it's about time," Gore said in his acceptance speech. "Thanks to all the fine people that made this happen. It really is too bad that the earth is going to be destroyed by fire by 2015--err, I mean, 2019, or else I could really savor my presidency."
Gore will be granted two terms as US president, ousting President Trump and canceling the 2020 election. "We just assume he would have won again and ushered in a liberal golden age," said an election official. "So he's got 8 years to reclaim his lost time. Make the most of it, Al, and great job. You deserve it!"
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.