ANNAPOLIS, MD — Local financial advisor Rick Rosas announced that now was the time for utter panic and urged his clients to hastily make huge money moves based on pure emotion.
Rosas called each of his clients one by one advising them to let fear drive their financial decisions and recommending immediate changes before taking time to think it through.
"What are you doing sitting there?? Buy! Sell! Panic!" said Rosas, speaking to a young couple worried about their retirement account. "Take that fear in your gut, and let it overwhelm you until you make massive, life-altering financial decisions. Do it quick! Hurry!"
According to Rosas, the stock market has never fallen ten percent before, and it is probably a sign of the apocalypse. "This is unprecedented," said Rosas. "When faced with such uncertainty, the best course of action is to freak out and do something drastic. I'm encouraging all of my clients to abandon any semblance of a long-term strategy and to pull the trigger on whatever your emotions tell you to do."
At publishing time, Rosas had advised several clients to move all the money from their retirement accounts into something safe, like Bitcoin.
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