WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a long-awaited move that signaled a turning point in the war against evil and lawlessness, the U.S. State Department announced that it had officially classified the Los Angeles Dodgers as a terrorist organization.
The decision — which came after discussion among various government agencies, the White House, and Major League Baseball teams — finally answered the outcry raised by sports fans and decent human beings for many years, confirming that the Dodgers posed a serious threat to the American way of life.
"They're an evil of such immense scale that we couldn't deny it any longer," said Secretary of State Marco Rubio while announcing the move. "Despite numerous warnings over the years, the Los Angeles Dodgers have failed to turn away from their nefarious acts, leaving the United States with no choice but to classify them as a terrorist organization. Being ruthless and uncivilized has consequences."
Sources within the State Department cited recent developments including the Dodgers' World Series victory and the free agent acquisitions during the ensuing offseason as evidence that the organization's threat to peace and happiness in the U.S. had reached a far more dangerous level. "Organizations like this will be dealt with accordingly," Rubio said. "It is our duty to protect the game of baseball — and, indeed, America itself — from the Los Angeles Dodgers."
Officials said measures used to combat the Dodgers included, but were not limited to, barring the team from traveling outside of California or making any trades.
At publishing time, sources said a Special Forces counter-terrorism team had reportedly been dispatched to rescue hostage outfielder Shohei Ohtani.
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