WASHINGTON, D.C. — All legislative activity was brought to a screeching halt today as returning Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman unintentionally filibustered the Senate for over seven hours while trying to say "Hello."
Senator Fetterman, returning to his duties this week for the first time since checking himself in for inpatient treatment for clinical depression, greeted his fellow lawmakers with an extended speech that consisted of only a few short sentences. "I'm fern…I'm fire…I'm flying…I'm fried…I'm fine. I'm…I'm fine," Fetterman said to other members of the "SNAP and Other Nutrition Assistance in the Farm Bill" Senate Subcommittee. Fetterman then spent the next several hours attempting to form his next sentence, which witnesses believe to have been some variation of the word "Hello."
"It's wonderful to see Senator Fetterman lumbering aimlessly through the corridors of the Capitol Building again," Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said. "It just wasn't the same around here without hearing his staggering footsteps, grunts, and mournful wails after hours."
Though Fetterman's unplanned filibuster lasted for over seven hours, Republican members of the Senate privately expressed relief. "Him coming back to work turned out to be a blessing in disguise," one GOP senator said under the condition of anonymity. "The more we can keep him talking, the easier it will be to roadblock the Democrats' agenda. I'm ready to help put him in charge of more committees if it keeps going like this!"
At publishing time, Senator Fetterman's speech was still not yet finished, with other committee members hoping the first hearing would be wrapped up sometime before summer.
Their culture is not your costume. DO NOT appropriate ghost, zombie, or vampire culture this Halloween.