WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his testimony before Congress, FBI Director Christopher Wray proposed a bold new theory about the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump, saying that it was possible that there was, in fact, no assassination attempt at all and that Trump's ear might have spontaneously exploded.
Wray cited the popular 90s sci-fi television show The X-Files and the theory of spontaneous human combustion, noting that the whole idea of a 20-year-old being able to sneak past all of the Secret Service agents and local police forces to shoot a presidential candidate was so far-fetched that Trump's ear spontaneously exploding was the most logical explanation.
"According to our investigation and analysis of the incident, it really seems that Trump's right ear might have exploded all by itself in a neat little bullet-shaped hole," Wray testified. "He definitely probably was not actually hit with a real bullet — we've totally ruled that one out. Investigations are still ongoing, so I may have better information later, but for now, it seems like Trump's ear just sort of decided to light itself up. It happens. Medical science doesn't have an answer for everything, ya know?"
Mainstream media outlets reporting on Wray's explanation have proposed that any mentions of a 20-year-old attempted shooter, "Ree Tardy Oswald," or even sloped roofs are certainly just far-right conspiracy theories made up to discredit the near-certain scientific fact that Trump's ear magically blew a hole in itself.
At publishing time, Wray had also suggested that all of the "blood" on Trump's face was actually ketchup.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
