WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a testy exchange with an interviewer for Meet the Press last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci claimed he never locked down schools and hasn't even heard of COVID.

"COVID? I've never even heard of such a thing! What is COVID? That sounds made up!" said the former NIAID Director and COVID advisor to the President. "And I certainly had nothing to do with locking down schools and destroying kids' learning and development for over a year. What kind of monster would do something like that? You must have me confused with someone else."

The interviewer then nervously checked his notes to make sure he was, indeed talking to Anthony Fauci, the chief architect of U.S. COVID policies. "But it says here that--"

"Shut up!" cried Fauci as he smacked the notes out of the interviewer's hands. "I'll ask the questions here! I AM SCIENCE!"

Sources say the doctor further denied any involvement in business closures, Wuhan lab coverups, or the field of medicine altogether. At publishing time, former President Trump had claimed to have no idea who Fauci was.

Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.