WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Monkeypox pandemic has finally breached the shores of the United States, with the CDC confirming a staggering 1 infections so far. In response, America's favorite, most trusted doctor, Dr. Anthony Fauci, issued a statement recommending people stop the spread of Monkeypox by covering their eyes, ears, and mouth.
Fauci accepted 137 TV interviews and a book deal after issuing the guidelines essentially recommending people look the other way rather than investigate the source of this new outbreak.
"As I, the Science, have always said, lockdowns don't work. What really works is turning a blind eye to where this outbreak nonsense may or may not have leaked from," said Dr. Fauci to a fawning NBC news anchor trying to get his autograph. "And I'd like to add that there is no evidence the Monkeypox outbreak is connected to the NIH-funded Institute of Monkeypox Studies next door to patient zero."
Not all health professionals agree with Dr. Fauci's health order. Dr. Corry Larreia, a world-renowned monkey virologist and respected expert in finding the source of Monkeypox outbreaks, said Dr. Fauci was wrong and the outbreak should be investigated in full.
At publishing time, Dr. Larreia had been disbarred, lost his virology license along with his official stethoscope, was banned from his local book club, snubbed by Apple's Siri, and lost both of his hands in a tragic wood chipper accident.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.