LOUISVILLE, KY — A local family was faced with a difficult decision this week regarding whether to place their beloved grandpa in hospice care or have him announce a campaign for a U.S. Senate seat. The grandfather and potential candidate, Philip Gabbert, is 98 years old and suffers from advanced dementia.

"We could really go either way on this," said Bryce Gabbert of the decision. "He's in really rough shape and has very little quality of life these days. Common sense says he belongs in hospice, but with the way things are in Washington these days, he could really become a major power player. He can't really speak or think clearly anymore, but who are we to not give him the opportunity to run the country?"

With elected officials like Joe Biden, Mitch McConnell, Diane Feinstein, and John Fetterman serving in high government positions, political parties have focused on recruiting the most aged, decrepit, and impaired candidates available to campaign. "The worse they are at being able to reason and communicate, the better," said Robbie McKean, who helps run Democratic political campaigns in the state. "If McConnell ends up resigning, there will be a battle for his seat, and who better to take that spot than an even older, more debilitated codger?"

At publishing time, the Gabbert family was still struggling with the decision, torn between doing what is best for Grandpa or doing what would be more likely to set up the family for several generations' worth of wealth built upon illegal bribes, insider stock trading, and campaign kickbacks.

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