MIAMI, FL—Experts around the country and numerous poll results revealed Wednesday evening that the decisive loser in the Democratic debate was the American people.
A poll found that an overwhelming majority of respondents believed that America lost the debates by a wide margin, with 5% of Americans believing Americans won last night and a whopping 62% stating that "oh my gosh America is doomed." 33% elected to turn off the TV and just watch neighborhood cats fight instead of watching the debate once it became clear that America was going to get decimated.
"America really needed a win out there tonight, but only fell further behind," said one commentator, adding that he didn't have "high hopes" for the country's chances moving forward. "Things are not looking good for America's prospects in the 2020 campaign at this point. If America doesn't pull out a win tonight, we can only expect America to drop out of the race entirely."
"It's not looking good. Honestly, I don't know if I can watch."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.