'Everything Is Terrible,' Man Instantly Communicates To Entire World From Little Device In His Pocket That Connects Him To All The World’s Knowledge

BREMERTON, WA—According to sources close to local man Darwin Gwynn, he recently typed the phrase, "Everything is terrible" into a little device he carries in his pocket that connects him to all the world's knowledge, billions of other people around the globe, and the latest news from every corner of the earth. He typed the phrase into the incredible contraption, which may as well have been black magic just a few decades ago, and was instantly responded to by like-minded people with similar little magic rectangles that connect them to literally anything or anyone on a globe of nearly 8 billion people at their every whim. The other people agreed, saying things like, "Totally bro," and "This IS it, chief," typing these phrases into devices that far surpassed anything science fiction writers of the '60s, '70s, and '80s had ever dreamed would ever be created any time in the next thousand years. At publishing time, sources confirmed he had said that everything was terrible because a company that makes custom coffee beverages to the customer's exact order out of gourmet coffee beans harvested thousands of miles away in exchange for a few pieces of paper had given him a large instead of the medium he ordered.

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