Politics
Everyone Who Was Completely Wrong About Election Day Ready To Explain What Happens Next

U.S.—According to the latest studies, political commentary is full of varied lumps of babble known as pundits. They were once again caught completely flat-footed on Election Day, none having predicted an outcome anywhere near what actually happened. Despite this glaring failure, they continue undaunted, offering their dim insights into what happens next.

“So now the counting is still ongoing,” said commentator Nathan Hanson, making at least one simple factual statement he couldn’t screw up -- a stark contrast to his prediction of a blue wave for Democrats leading up to November 4th. “Here’s how this is likely to play out,” he continued, following it up with some of his pointless guesses that have never actually panned out, the usual dribble he somehow gets paid for in the ongoing scam known as cable news.

“I think the poll numbers can give us some insight,” said data cruncher Robert Nash, referring to the random digits from something known as “polls” that once again had absolutely no correlation with anything that occurred. He then continued to use his modern-day chicken entrails to try to predict things, though it all seemed sadder now.

"Americans continue to watch these pieces of failure given human form with a sort of macabre interest, wondering how they keep going despite reality constantly curb-stomping them," said news consumer Priscilla Garrett. “In a way I admire them, but in a bigger way, like everyone else, I’m just baffled they exist.”

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