U.S. — Theologians have announced a startling discovery that everyone has been wrong about the book of Revelation for thousands of years. While many assumed it was referring to the end times, the tribulation, and the Second Coming, it now appears to have been written entirely about the War of 1812.
"I was sure bombing Iran would trigger a nuclear attack on Jerusalem, which would clear the Temple Mount and make way for the construction of a third temple," said Dr. Garry Klearborn, a theological professor at Cambridge. "But I guess it was really all about The War of 1812 all along."
Views about Revelation have differed greatly over the years. Some take on a preterist view that the text was largely fulfilled with the fall of the Roman Empire, while others anticipated a future global nuclear conflict leading to the destruction of mankind. Still, others expected literal scorpion-horse-locusts wearing crowns of gold on their human heads to spring forth from a giant pit any minute. Somehow, no one had guessed correctly that Revelation was actually about the "Second War of Independence", or The War of 1812.
"We were so naive," explained Dr. Tim Rinely, a formerly respected theologian at the Claremont Colleges. "I was wrong about everything."
"All of Revelation is fulfilled in The Battle of the Thames in what is now Thamesville, Ontario, Canada," Dr. Tedward Liddendale said while presenting a lecture on how he discovered Revelation was about the little-known war. "The Beast from the sea was just a reference to the might of the British navy. The dragon was actually a Shawnee chief named Tecumseh who led a confederacy of Native Americans in alliance with England and fell at this battle as if hurled down from heaven itself."
"It all fits," said Calvary Chapel Pastor Jack Hibbs. "How could I have been so wrong?"
At publishing time, with Revelation perfectly understood, theologians returned to Ezekiel to figure out what the heck he was talking about.
These British police officers are keeping the streets safe from dangerous weapons.
