WASHINGTON, DC — In a stunning development sure to cause significant controversy around the globe, every human being on earth has been ordered to make financial reparations payments to every other human being in the world due to the fact that at some point in history, every people group owned slaves from another people group.

"This is really the only way to truly guarantee actual equality," said Richard Fliehr, Chairman of Reparations for Humanity, a global non-profit group looking to bring in billions of dollars in revenue from its push for reparations. "We started with a few ethnic groups, but according to our research, pretty much every group, nation, and civilization has owned slaves of every other ethnic group at some point."

Though having every person pay every other person is (by definition) equal, some groups were outraged. "How is making everything the same for everyone fair?!" asked Reverend Al Sharpton to reporters gathered outside his luxurious apartment building in New York City's Upper East Side. "Acknowledging the fact that every group of people has oppressed another group of people at some time during human history is a slap in the face to those of us who want special treatment. This is unacceptable!"

At publishing time, various minority organizations in the United States sought to appeal the decision after learning that people of white European descent were not the only people who would be required to pay reparations and were not, in fact, collectively responsible for all oppression and human suffering from the beginning of time.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.