U.S. - More domesticated birds, known for being emotionally fragile and fussy, are raising their standards and refusing to crap on low-quality newspapers such as The New York Times. 

"Yeah, I'm gonna need a classier paper than that to do my business on," said Penny, a blue and gold macaw from California. "I'm not saying I expect this place to be the Ritz-Carlton, but geez. Can we at least get a copy of the National Enquirer or PC Gamer or something to class the place up a bit?"

"If things don't change, I'm going to be forced to contact my lawyer. This is ridiculous." The birds say they may go on strike and refuse to repeat phrases to the delight of their owners and children everywhere and will boycott going on fantastical pirate voyages through the Caribbean until their demands are met.

Sales of the paper have plummeted as fewer and fewer birds were using them to go to the bathroom on, as that was apparently a large chunk of sales for the Times each and every month. Similar fates have met other newspapers and magazines as birds' bathroom standards have raised, such as The New Yorker, Rolling Stone, and Relevant Magazine.