LISBON — Following massive power grid failures that plunged multiple countries into blackouts, Europe promised its citizens it would get electricity back up as soon as possible so everyone would be able to hear the Muslim call to prayer over the loudspeakers.
Officials said they were aware that essential staples of European life, like pausing to pray in the direction of Mecca and asking Allah to grant them bloody victories against the infidels, had been disrupted by the blackouts, but assured everyone the normalcy of assaults and stabbings could resume very soon.
"Our way of fundamental Islamic life will continue without issue," said Portugal President Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa. "We may be dealing with some unexplained issues with our power grid, but we must assure all of the people in our European nations that they will soon be able to hear the Muslim call to prayer over the loudspeakers and resume planning their hostile takeovers of our countries."
Lisbon residents were glad to receive assurance from the nation's leaders. "It's good to know we'll be back to normal soon," said Abu Musab Al Halawi. "With the blackouts, I've been unable to see well enough at night to go around stabbing anyone. As soon as electricity is restored, I can get back to my routine of plotting the violent deaths of all non-Muslims."
At publishing time, European leaders had confirmed they would have reliable power back as soon as they rebuilt the nuclear plants they tore down a few years ago.
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