NEW YORK, NY - After the release of unredacted documents related to the Jeffrey Epstein case was suddenly delayed this week, authorities confirmed the unexpected holdup was designed to give Bill Clinton extra time to flee the country.
A federal court clerk told reporters that Clinton requested a few extra weeks to pack up his things, say his goodbyes, and flee to a remote island after it's finally confirmed he was a regular associate of Epstein.
"Yeah, Bill called in a favor and asked if he could have a little extra time to get his affairs in order," the clerk said. "Said he had to pack up his saxophone, a few personal belongings. Some smutty magazines."
Other celebrities and high-profile politicians said they were grateful for the delay as well, as they'll also have time to either flee the country or come up with an excuse for why they are mentioned in connection with Jeffrey Epstein in the first place.
"I plan on telling everyone I was just his pickleball partner," said one anonymous Hollywood celebrity. "And not like as an innuendo. Just that we liked to play pickleball together. The sport. Nothing weird." The celeb went on to say that if that doesn't work, he'll just claim any criticism of his association with Epstein is an example of Republicans weaponizing sexual crimes against him.
"Works every time."
At publishing time, Clinton was seen frantically packing a box of his favorite cigars into his private jet.
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