BOSTON, MA—Students in the dining hall at Boston University were in for a surprise when presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren suddenly appeared above their heads, wearing pink fairy wings and holding a magic wand.
“I am the Student Loan Fairy and I’m here to pay off all your debts!” exclaimed the Democratic candidate as she slowly descended from the rafters, “Bippidi-boppidi-boo! Have some fairy dust!”
Todd Freeman, a Canadian Studies major, was eating a deconstructed avocado sandwich when he looked up to see Warren dangling from some clearly visible stage wires.
“She was just kind of awkwardly trying to steady herself while she waved her wand about and threw handfuls of glitter at us,” Freeman said, “Then she kind of lost control of the bag of glitter and just dumped it all over my table. It got in my eyes, and I’ve taken three showers and still can’t get it all out of my hair.” Luckily for Freeman, though, learning to get glitter out of things is the most practical thing he's learned at college so far.
At one point, Warren started swinging through the air in circles, tapping students on the head with her wand, shouting “Poof! Your loan is forgiven! Poof! Your loan is forgiven!”
The spectacle finally came to an end when Warren began spinning uncontrollably, becoming visibly dizzy. Her string abruptly snapped and she landed on a cafeteria table, breaking it in half.
As she was carried off the school campus on a gurney, witnesses say the disoriented Senator was repeatedly smacking the paramedics with her wand, mumbling “Expeli-loan-us!”