BETHEL — Two she-bears broke into a local market and mauled an employee this morning, reportedly summoned by the prophet Elisha because his co-worker was eating his morning bagel very loudly.
"You catch that meteor shower last nigh — ahhhhh!" Daniel, son of Jedidiah, began to say as a she-bear clawed his good bagel arm.
Authorities later confirmed the identity of the deceased by dental records.
According to sources, Elisha repeatedly asked his co-worker to stop chewing his morning bagel like a servant of Baal but was dismissed as uptight. "I asked nicely, but he just looked me in the eyes and chomped on his bagel," Elisha later explained. "And I was like, 'Rude!' I'm not going to stand for that."
Elisha was briefly detained by authorities for questioning, only being released after showing them his state-issued prophet's license.
At publishing time, the manager of the downtown Bethel Market asked Elisha to warn him next time if he was going to summon any she-bears because it made the customers nervous.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn't doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee's Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
