U.S. — Newly appointed Secretary for the Department of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has wasted no time in announcing plans to make the department leaner and more efficient, pledging to immediately cut the K-9 workforce by 90% as soon as she takes command.
"I will see to it personally," announced Noem, mimicking the cocking of a shotgun. "We are going to blast the inefficiency in DHS to smithereens."
Pundits have hailed Noem's day-one pledge, seeing signs of a strong leader not afraid to do the dirty work of downsizing DHS. "The Department has become an oversized behemoth. It needs someone who can pull the trigger on tough decisions," said Fox News reporter Brit Hume. "It's time someone took the old DHS out behind the woodshed and put it to rest. We need new, fresh blood -- and she's going to deliver it."
At publishing time, several packs of former K-9 dogs were spotted heading for the Canadian border.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
