DALLAS, TX - He's already won the most important secular position in the land, but President Donald Trump has now been nominated for a higher calling: his name was anonymously submitted as a candidate for the presidency of the Southern Baptist Convention.
Going up against tough competition like early favorite J.D. Greear, Trump nonetheless has been polling well among Southern Baptists.
"We're going to make the gospel great again!" Trump said as he accepted the nomination. "In years past, the Southern Baptists have shown falling numbers. Bad numbers. Sad numbers! Not good! But we're going to come in and win so much you'll hardly believe it. We're going to see more baptisms, better church attendance. We're going to have extreme vetting of church members too. Huge!"
At publishing time, Arminians had lined up behind Donald Trump, declaring Calvinist J.D. Greear was "#NotMyPresident."