LOS ANGELES, CA — After decades of total dominance, the Dallas Cowboys have been dethroned by the Los Angeles Dodgers as the gayest team in all of sports.
"It's a real Cinderella story," said Dodgers owner Mark Walter. "Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined us being this gay."
Despite humble beginnings, the Dodgers have transformed into a gay juggernaut over the past several years. "We put in the hard, gay work," said Dodgers manager Dave Roberts. "Let me tell you--no one outside that locker room believed we could be more gay than the Cowboys. No one! But our players, our front office--we kept believing. We kept showing up, day after day, fully committed to gayness. Now here we are, kings of the gay mountain. This accomplishment belongs to every Dodgers player who laid the foundation. We stand on the shoulders of gay giants."
As the Dodgers celebrated their stunning upset, the Dallas Cowboys organization was rocked by the news. "I'm speechless," said owner Jerry Jones. "It's going to be tough looking in the mirror at night and having to ask myself, 'Could I have been more gay?'. We did everything we could--left it all out on the field. It just wasn't gay enough."
At publishing time, several soccer teams had complained that they were far, far gayer than the Dodgers. However, those teams were quickly reminded that soccer is not a sport.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
