Dodgers Replace 7th-Inning Stretch With Chant Of 'Hail Satan!'
Sports · May 24, 2023 ·

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a decision viewed as yet another part of the logical progression of the team's descent into otherworldly evil, the Los Angeles Dodgers have announced the team will replace the traditional 7th-Inning Stretch and its accompanying singing of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" with a ritualistic chanting of "Hail Satan!"

"This will make it very clear why we're here and what we're all about," said Dodgers President & CEO Stan Kasten, whose first and last names are both almost "Satan." "It's time to throw away all that old tradition and good-natured enjoyment of a night at the ballpark and get right down to business — offering praise to our Lord Satan, the Prince of Darkness."

The players themselves expressed hesitation but are willing to go along with the team's new policy. "I grew up seeing Vin Scully lead the crowd in ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game,' so this is a bit weird," said right fielder J.D. Martinez. "I expect to feel a little uneasy hearing 56,000 fans chanting ‘Hail Satan,' but I'm just here to play baseball. Do you think I'll be cursed or anything?"

At publishing time, the team was also reportedly moving forward with plans to hold a "Sacrifice Night" where fans can get in for half price if they bring a young male goat to the stadium.

It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

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