So you finally up and bought that expensive bass guitar, but you're still not sure if you've got what it takes to be a real-life church bassist. Well, don't you fret, and don't you fear — we at the Babylon Bee have donned fake beards and lumberjack beanies in order to conduct vast amounts of undercover research into what exactly you'll need if you want to be a church bassist.
Here are the top nine requirements. There aren't many, but they're only for the few and the bold. Take a look!
Access to a bass: Makes sense.
At least two fingers: So that you can play both of the notes bassists play during each song.
Never heard of a sharp or a flat: In fact, the inability to hear sharps and flats is even better.
Ability to nod head slowly: Extra points if you can kinda sigh "Yes, Lord" under your breath without the lead singer hearing you.
Ability to count to four: This one's crucial.
You vowed never to venture onto the D or G strings: That would be like heresy, but way worse.
Can play "Smoke On The Water": Absolutely classic. Absolutely necessary.
Poor personal hygiene: Get this one right and they'll give you your own little see-through plastic cage on stage.
No discernible music skills: Skills really just get in the way.
Well, there you have it. Do you think you can pass muster? Now go on — hit up your local worship leader with your application!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
