BURBANK, CA — After watching its latest feature Snow White suffer a disastrous opening weekend at the box office, executives at Disney have decided to quietly cancel the studio's live-action version of Pocahontas starring Dylan Mulvaney.
Studio executives notified Mulvaney that the project would not be moving forward after audiences resoundingly ridiculed Snow White, blasting every aspect of the film, from its poor production quality to its pushing of a "woke" agenda.
"We thought we really had a winner with this one, but we may have slightly miscalculated," said one Disney executive who asked to remain anonymous. "After the way the public reacted to Snow White, we'd be insane to move forward with having a dude play Pocahontas. That would end up being the worst massacre American Indians have ever experienced."
The would-be Pocahontas star was shocked and disappointed by the news. "I'm absolutely heartbroken," Mulvaney said. "I was really looking forward to slipping into Pocahontas's sassy moccasins and showing those colonists a thing or two about the New World. I heard they were talking to Ryan Gossling about playing John Smith, and I'm already in love with him, so that would have been amazing. I guess I'll just have to wear my fierce braids and buckskin dress to some fabulous fashion event instead. Boo, Disney! I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a Bud Light."
Disney reportedly ordered all test footage of Mulvaney as Pocahontas to be destroyed to prevent the studio from being ruined by the public backlash.
At publishing time, Disney had also reconsidered its upcoming live-action reboot of Mickey Mouse starring Zendaya.
The Founding Fathers didn't always agree behind closed doors.
