DALLAS, TX — Though the week began with exciting news of a scientific breakthrough in reviving a long-gone species of animal, the brand-new dire wolves were reported to be extinct once again after being used as test subjects in new experiments performed by Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Scientists at Colossal Biosciences held a somber press conference on Tuesday, only a day after their announcement that they had successfully brought back the extinct breed of wolves, to bring the unfortunate news to the public that Fauci's latest round of experiments had once again rendered the dire wolf extinct.
"In hindsight, we probably shouldn't have given him access to them," said Colossal Biosciences CEO Ben Lamm. "We were just so excited when the project was successful and we had these two new dire wolves, we didn't even stop to think about what Dr. Fauci would want to do with them. He just asked if he could take care of them for a few days because he was literally science incarnate. As it turns out, he has a really awful reputation for doing horrible things to animals. So, anyway… they're super extinct again."
Fauci denied any wrongdoing. "Everything I do is done to make a better world. Even the really evil stuff," he told reporters. "I heard that this lab had revived a lost species of canine, and I couldn't resist seeing them for myself. After all, what good are animals for if you're not testing out some new custom-made virus? What did I do to the dire wolves, and how will it affect you and your family next year? You can read all about it in my new book."
At publishing time, Fauci had reportedly asked the scientists if their methods could also be effective in reviving someone's public image.
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