WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the light of freedom waning before their very eyes, Republican lawmakers reportedly turned to their last hope by activating the long-dormant Jeb! Signal.
A brilliant light emblazoned the overcast sky of D.C. with the ancient call of "Jeb!" as Republicans prayed for the return of Jeb Bush, the only man who could possibly save them from the ruin they so richly deserve.
"We should have never abandoned him, but he wasn't the hero we needed then. But now, he is the hero we deserve," said Sen. Susan Collins. "Oh, I hope he can forgive us."
Jeb! ran in the 2016 Republican Presidential Primary against Donald Trump and was forced to drop out after no one clapped for him. Will he now come to the aid of Republicans crying out for him? It doesn't seem likely, according to a witness who saw Jeb! waxing poetic on a D.C. rooftop while wearing a trench coat and fedora.
"This city is afraid of me... I have seen its true face," said Jeb! "Trump cleaned these streets, but the vermin never drown. The accumulated filth of all their coke orgies and corruption foams up about their waists and all the Republicans look up and shout 'Save us!'... and I look down and whisper 'No... please clap.'"
House Speaker Mike Johnson said he would wait by the Jeb! Signal every night until help arrives. "I certainly don't know what else to do," he said. "It's not like we're going to legislate anything."
At publishing time, Republicans had announced that if Jeb! didn't show up soon, they would try just calling him on the phone.
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