TALLAHASSEE, FL - Governor Ron DeSantis has signed into law a new bill called the "Only Say Gay If You Mean Lame" bill, which does just what it says: in Florida schools, you can now only say "gay" if you are calling somebody uncool.
"Here in the free state of Florida, 'gay' only means one thing: totally lame," said DeSantis in a passionate speech at the capitol building. "The rest of the country may be using the term to refer to all kinds of hogwash, teaching our schoolchildren terrible things, but here, we're only gonna say 'gay' to refer to stuff that's dumb, annoying, or mockable."
DeSantis then displayed a slide showing banned uses of the word "gay":
- I am attracted to the same sex. Do you think I am gay?
- The "G" in LGBTQ stands for "gay."
- Neil Patrick Harris is so gay.
He also provided these examples of acceptable uses:
- Check out those lame basketball shorts Mark is wearing. So gay!
- Soccer is gay -- baseball and football are where it's at, fam.
- Nickelback is so gay.
At publishing time, DeSantis had clarified that public school teachers could still use the word "gay" to mean "happy", as in the Flintstones song, "We'll have a gay old time", provided it's not used ironically or with a double entendre to mean people of the opposite sex being attracted to each other.
This man is under arrest - for MANSPLAINING!