WASHINGTON, DC — According to unnamed sources, Democrats have discreetly petitioned the Supreme Court to keep current President and presumptive Democratic nominee Joeseph Biden from appearing on the ballot in any state.

"They were able to keep states from barring Trump from the ballot," Senator Chuck Schumer told reporters. "What we were wondering, I mean quietly of course, if it wouldn't be too much trouble that is, to, um, keep President Biden from being on the ballot in, say, all 50 states?"

Democrats explained they still very much support the President in his bid for reelection and think he's totally mentally fit to run, but that if some sort of legal maneuvering prevented him from running, as much as that would be a tragedy, they might be able to run a candidate who is a little more alive and slightly less dead.

"I love our President and wish he could run for 10 more terms," California Governor Gavin Newsom said. "But if the Supreme Court could find some sort of mechanism to keep him off the ballot nationwide I'd have no choice but to step in and run in his place. It would be a great sacrifice, but I'm literally sitting by my phone 24 hours a day in case SCOTUS does find a legitimate reason to keep him from running."

As of publishing time, Kamala Harris was seen quietly slipping a crisp $20 bill under Chief Justice Roberts's office door.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.