WASHINGTON, D.C. — With state legislatures across the country seeing growing movements by Republicans to eliminate public money for public libraries, Democrats warned that if libraries are defunded, homeless people will have nowhere to watch porn.
Prominent Democratic Party members from all corners of the United States stressed the importance of keeping public libraries fully funded so that transients in all major urban centers would have a place to access obscene online content.
"Please, think of the bums!" said New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "Not everyone has the luxury of viewing porn in the comfort of their homes. Without public libraries being fully funded by taxpayer dollars and furnished with high-speed internet, homeless people nationwide will be cut off from all porn access. It's not American!"
One disturbed-looking vagrant reached for comment agreed that public libraries were essential to his lifestyle. "Yeah, I'd be rendered pornless without the library," said the man who would only identify himself by the name "Hambone." "It's an integral part of my daily routine. I wake up under the freeway overpass, beg outside the Walmart for a couple of hours, and then I'll make my way over to the public library for a good time. Sometimes I'll also poop while I'm there."
Democrats urged the American people to keep the issue in mind this November when voting on what type of country they want to live in.
At publishing time, Democrats had also warned voters that Republican pushes to defund libraries would also severely harm any attempts by drag queens to put on lingerie and read books to kindergartners.
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