PEARLY GATES — The gates of Heaven remained firmly closed today as a new atheist arrival tried to bribe his way into eternal rest.
"Perhaps, this will change your mind," said Eric Farmer as he shook Saint Peter's hand, slyly handing a twenty over to the apostle as he did so.
According to sources, Peter did not outright reject the proposal because he didn't understand what he was being given.
"What is this?" Peter reportedly asked. "A tiny scroll?"
The presumptuous atheist tried to play it cool as he pulled out an additional $100. "Oh, this is just my friend Benjamin. He wants to go to Heaven," said the atheist. "What say we open up that gate, Pete?"
It wasn't until Abraham Lincoln explained the concept of paper money to Peter that it was determined an attempted bribe had taken place.
Angels were called to the scene shortly thereafter to escort Mr. Eric Farmer to Hell. Witnesses claim to have heard him shout, "Oh, thanks a lot, Lincoln!" as he was taken away.
At publishing time, Eric Farmer successfully bribed Satan twenty bucks in an attempt to avoid torture but was dismayed to learn that Hell was created for Satan and he had no power there.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
