U.S.—Democrats across the nation have threatened that they will abandon their final remaining shred of sanity should the Republican-controlled Senate vote to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court in the next few weeks.
From Democratic senators to lay voters, liberal-leaning citizens have promised they will begin their wacky antics in earnest should the inevitable confirmation occur.
“I know it seems like we’re already totally nuts,” said Senator Cory Booker. “But believe you me—you ain’t seen nothing yet. We’re talking rending our garments and smashing stuff, constantly comparing ourselves to tragic martyrs on film and television, even punching ourselves in the face. And we’ll do it around the clock.”
“I’m talking full-on insanity, people. I AM SPARTACUS! I AM MASTER CHIEF! I AM WILLIAM WALLAAAAAACE!!!” he added before aides were forced to restrain him. “Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!”
Run-of-the-mill Democrat voters across the country have joined their nearly unhinged leaders in vowing to destroy their last vestige of reasonable behavior if the judge is confirmed for a SCOTUS seat.
“I’m going to dress up as genitals, go out into the streets, and yell at passersby for no reason at all, every day,” said Santa Clarita progressive Dennis Anderson. “I’m warning you: the last shred of sanity I have will go up in flames should Kavanaugh be confirmed. It’s my scorched earth policy.”
The beginning of Democrats’ final plunge into eternal insanity is scheduled for the moment Kavanaugh is confirmed, when millions of Democrats will gather outside the Capitol building to scream at the sky.