U.S.—According to alerts from the FAA, the flight crew of a Boeing 747 flying somewhere over the United States is locked in a dispute over how fast they should crash their plane into the ground.
Witnesses say the pilot, a Democrat, wants to fly the plane into the ground at 700 MPH.
The Republican co-pilot, however, has proposed crashing at a much more reasonable speed of 600 MPH.
"We need to be responsible here!" said First Officer Dan McTan, who prides himself in his Conservative values. "700 MPH is reckless and irresponsible! Crashing at 600 MPH will allow the crew and passengers a full 1.3 seconds of additional life before they are incinerated in a massive fireball! Let's be reasonable!"
Pilot In Command Xanderillo Cruggsteen disagrees. "700 MPH is the way to go and you're a racist!!!!" he responded with a loud and terrible shriek.
In the end, the crew members elected to dive into the earth below at 695 MPH. Thankfully, the Democrat pilot and Republican Co-Pilot each had very expensive parachutes and were able to bail out safely before everyone else went down.