WASHINGTON, D.C. — Local residents and landlords in the DC area are concerned after rumors surfaced that a nearby home on Pennsylvania Avenue has become a dangerous crack house.
"It's just not fair. I work hard to maintain my property, only to have real estate values plummet when this riff-raff moves into the neighborhood," said Carla Biggens, the owner of a middle-income apartment building that offers units at the reasonable price of just $15,000 per month. "I always see suspicious people coming and going from that place. It puts us all on edge. Lord knows what kind of shady things are happening there! Yuck!"
Local authorities confirmed hard drugs were recently found on the premises, but warned they would likely never find the perpetrator because the owner of the crack house pays their salaries. "It's too much to expect corrupt feds like us to do anything about this shady crack house," said a spokesperson for the FBI. "This neighborhood has been going downhill for a long time anyway. There's nothing we can do."
Residents are being encouraged to take their concerns to the next city council meeting where they will be ignored.
At publishing time, DC home values had already plummeted to an average of only 12 million dollars.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.