WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following the State of the Union address in the Capitol building, D.C. area hospitals were promptly overrun by hundreds of geriatrics whose knees buckled under the pressure of constant standing ovations.
Dr. Drake Rodriguez, a veteran of George Washington University Hospital, had never seen anything like it. Hundreds of elderly men and women poured into his ER last night with broken hips and knees. Many screamed in agony. Others could only move their eyes back and forth, faces frozen by a mask of artificial beauty.
According to sources, the hospital staff was immediately overwhelmed thanks to a combination of the sudden influx of patients and the fact that over half of their staff had been let go for not getting vaccinated against COVID-19.
And then Dr. Rodriguez realized what day it was. "Mother of God... it's the State of the Union!"
"Up again, down again, up again, down...." moaned one patient, later identified as Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "I can't keep track of it all."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters this morning, "The constant standing and sitting is punishing on our bodies. I was only able to survive by sometimes refusing to sit down. It was easier to wait for the next applause."
"But I would do it again!" she threatened.
Doctors allegedly told Pelosi that at her age there was no shame in sitting down for the whole speech. They explained that the president isn't a king and you don't have to stand on ceremony after every sentence. Pelosi did not seem to understand anything they were saying.
Notably absent from the hospital was Sen Mitch McConnell. "It helps if you don't have anything to applaud," he said, looking kind of sad.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.