WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Abraham Lincoln has done the unthinkable and suspended the writ of habeas corpus, which shall surely be the end of our democracy and the beginning of a 1000-tyranny and darkness for all eternity.
"It ain't nuthin' mur' than a despotic move," said Rutherford B. Lynns, brushing a speck of dust from his grey uniform and chewing his grits pensively. "We need this tyrannical dictator to stop oppressing the poor innocents who are doing generally peaceful things like lighting fires, blocking interstate concourse, and biting them durn Yanks on the arm when they try to oppress them."
Experts say the move is so evil and unprecedented that there will likely never be a president so despotic and evil enough to try it again.
"There's no coming back from this," said one Democrat politician. "America is finished. We had a good run."
Sources in Washington say the President will reinstate habeus corpus once the Union is saved and slavery is eradicated from the land.
At publishing time, Americans had dared to erect a massive statue of the habeas corpus-suspending tyrant in Washington, D.C.
Meet Chuck, a Nazi with an identity crisis.
