NEW YORK, NY — Cuban Americans across the city reportedly took to the sea, eager to once again escape the terrors of communism in homemade rafts that some believed may not even be capable of making the trip.
Following the election of three socialist representatives to Congress and with the city under the leadership of Mayor Zohran Mamdani, Cubans began breaking down old wooden furniture and forming rudimentary rafts so they could once again sail away from communism.
"I don't care where I go, but it can't be here," said Juan Rodriguez, a successful Cuban immigrant who had made quite a life for himself on Wall Street. "I escaped Cuba years ago to find a better life, but now communism is chasing me down again."
He elaborated, "It's like that movie Final Destination, I guess. You can't escape communism. It just keeps coming. It follows the pattern, chasing the people it has chosen. We're all going to run out of bread if we don't get out of here."
Hundreds of Cuban New Yorkers abandoned the city, nearly clogging up the East River with their rafts as they attempted to find a better life somewhere across the Atlantic.
"I'm certainly not going to Canada, I can tell you that much," said Ricky Ricardo (no relation to the fictional character from I Love Lucy, but still Cuban). "Maybe Greenland? I don't know. I hope this baby can make it."
At publishing time, thousands of Cubans were presumed missing after accidentally colliding with an iceberg somewhere in the northern Atlantic.
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