ROGERS, AR—Local conservative man William Cody told reporters Friday that he’s OK with black people protesting perceived injustices in our society, as long as they do so quietly in their own homes.
Cody says he’s “passionate” about the right to peaceably assemble and protest, but he doesn’t want important things in his life like football games on TV to be disrupted by the demonstrations.
“Look, you can get out there and protest all you want. Knock yourselves out,” he told reporters as he watched highlights from last night’s NFL game. “But just do it somewhere that no one can see you—somewhere like in your living room, or maybe your basement. The attic’s great too, if you have one.”
“And try to keep it down,” he added. “Some people are trying to get on with their lives and ignore your problems.”
He further stated that the problem with protests like kneeling during the national anthem or marching down a city street is that it brings visibility to the problem black people are trying to bring visibility to. “I’m just sitting here watching football, and bam. Now I have to think about systemic injustice and oppression. Ugh.”
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.