WASHINGTON, D.C. - Russia's invasion of Ukraine has continued to escalate and Washington has wasted no time in pledging support. According to sources, Congress has voted unanimously to send Ukraine a $600 stimulus check.
"We did it!" cheered Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "Now the bill goes to - " she glanced down at her notes before continuing, "the President to sign! Then just six short months for the treasury to process the check and the war will be over! WE DID IT!"
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi patted AOC on the back while downing a bottle of wine.
In her daily press briefing, Jen Psaki communicated the president's intention to sign the bill as soon as possible. "We're going to fly everyone out to Detroit because it looks exactly like Ukraine. We will then stage a signing there with a desk set in the middle of the street. It'll be a great photo opportunity for the President."
"I mean, for Ukraine," she added quickly.
Members of congress rewarded themselves for their hard work by voting for a 21% raise in yet another unanimous decision. A record three in a row!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
