WORLD—Newly uncovered prophecy has revealed what has often been suspected: a big focus of Jesus’s second coming will be in finally validating all your political opinions and explaining to everyone else how wrong they are.
“Every knee shall bow, and every tongue shall confess how right you are about everything,” said biblical scholar Travis Buchanan. “Expect the Son of God, the arbiter of all that is good, to go through every important political issue and explain to everyone how your thinking was absolutely correct. There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth by anyone who ever disagreed with you as they’re forced to admit they were wrong.”
The second coming of Christ is expected to involve a few other things as well, but the main focus will probably be His settling every disputed issue in this world in your favor. It is unknown if Jesus will only validate all your political opinions or will also explain how right your cultural opinions are, such as whether or not Die Hard counts as a movie that celebrates His birth.