DENVER — Following an eight-game losing streak, the Colorado Rockies have been formally accused of taking performance-inhibiting drugs.
"We take drug use very seriously," said MLB Commissioner Robert Manfred, "even if it doesn't enhance the user's performance whatsoever."
"Fans want to watch a ball game, not a public murder," he added, referring to a 0-21 shutout against the San Diego Padres on Saturday.
The team's physician has defended the Rockies, claiming their talent is the result of a tight-knit training program and hours of practice. "I work with these players every day and I can tell you each loss is 100% natural. It takes real skill to ignore the fundamentals of baseball like our players do," he said. "Drugs can't produce a lack of talent like this."
But MLB officials expressed a lack of confidence in the Rockies' claims and are seeking independent testing through the Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program (JDA). "Not even the Chicago White Sox suffered a 21-run differential, and they're the worst team in the league," said Independent Program Administrator Dr. Milton Runfast. "The only possible explanation is drugs."
While the investigation is underway, the MLB is running a new anti-drug campaign to remind young baseball fans to avoid performance-inhibiting drugs.
At publishing time, Rockies team physician Frank Wray had been busted by authorities with bags full of cannabis, heroin, and Taco Bell.
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