COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — A college graduate with a very expensive Master's degree in Ancient Sumerian Poetry wrote a massive check to a plumber this week, prompting him to question every decision he's made in his adult life.
"I think I may have chosen the wrong profession in life," Matt Jones told reporters while sending a Venmo payment for $800 in exchange for 30 minutes of plumbing work. "Ancient Sumerian Poetry jobs just don't pay like this."
Jones said he still believes going to college was a good decision because every one of his friends also went to college at the same time, and it was a fun four years. But writing check after check to tradesmen who spent six months shadowing a professional and then started making 6-figure salaries at 22 has got him wondering if he's made any good decisions since about the age of 18.
"I mean, I'm doing ok for myself…but not plumber ok. That's some serious dough. I'm fine sitting at a desk 40 hours a week for the rest of my life and paying off $150K of student debt, but I dunno. That dude drives an 80-thousand dollar truck and doesn't seem to work more than three hours a day."
Jones then put on his apron and headed to his job at Home Depot, where he recites Ancient Sumerian Poetry to himself while stocking the lumber department.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
