GAZA — In a move condemned by the international community as a harsh overreaction to Hamas terrorist attacks, the Israeli government has announced it has cut off Gaza from receiving any updates on the high-profile relationship between Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.
"This is devastating," said one Hamas terrorist. "We were prepared to go without food, water, and electricity, but for Israel to deprive us of hearing the latest news about the American celebrity couple Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce is simply vicious and inhumane."
Even as conditions in the region deteriorated with bombings and airstrikes, Hamas locations within Gaza had still been able to remain fully updated on the much-talked-about romance between the popular musician and the All-Pro tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs. "There are very few things that are truly important in this life," explained the Hamas terrorist. "Our faith, our dedication to jihad, and learning all we can about what Taylor and Travis are doing today from TMZ are all that matter."
Israeli government officials defended the use of such a brutal tactic. "After these attacks, we have been left with no choice but to do whatever is necessary," said an IDF spokesman. "There are no rules in this situation. We are prepared to withhold all information about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce as long as these Hamas terrorists refuse to offer their complete and total surrender."
At publishing time, reports began to trickle in that Hamas was willing to offer whatever concessions may be required in order to learn which restaurant Swift and Kelce dined at following last night's game.
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