VALENCIA, CA - Sources at Valley Free Grace Church confirmed Sunday that the welcome team, always on top of things, put out a fresh pot of hot, brown, vaguely coffee-tasting water just as visitors and church members began to arrive for the service.

The hot, brown water is carefully brewed, with church volunteers making sure not to put too many coffee grounds in with the water, lest it actually have any flavor.

"The trick is to only use a small pinch of coffee grounds for every giant vat of water," welcome team committee lead Karen Winsaker said. "If you put too much, then it starts to taste like actual coffee. Then church members are going to start expecting that, and the next thing you know we'll be catering to their every need."

"We've got to keep their expectations low," she added as she put out a fresh plate of stale Donettes.

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that the addicted junkies at the church were still scarfing down the almost-coffee to get their Sunday morning fix.