CANE RIDGE, KY — The secret grand council of the churches of Christ, meeting at the sacred stones upon which the restoration movement was founded (now a Cracker Barrel), formally declared that guitars in worship are A-OK, providing they are of the air variety.
In a written statement the council declared, "The air guitar is suitable for worship as it does not conflict with the command to speak to one another in 'songs, hymns, and spiritual songs.' Though if a church member maketh music with their mouth as they play, it be reckoned to them as sin."
"So let it be written, so let it be done."
Local elders were quick to clarify that air banjo is still unacceptable.
A special "necessary inference" edition of Truth Magazine was published to commemorate the council's decision. "We can infer from Ephesians 5 that 'melody in your heart' would certainly qualify air guitar as appropriate," wrote Simon Harkrider, a notable evangelist within the church.
The council's decision has reportedly caused a frenzy among both mainstream and non-institutional congregations, even those who permit the use of tangible instruments.
"God would never love an air guitarist," said one church member. "I certainly don't."
Another member, who spoke on condition of anonymity, asked: "Does this mean we're allowed to drink air wine, too?"
At publishing time, the council once again met at Cracker Barrel to discuss the use of "air" pitch pipes when leading songs.
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