SANTA BARBARA, CA - Larry Turko, Head of Welcome Team Operations at Marooned Church, was seen before service Sunday lurking in a shrubbery near the church door, ready to pounce on unsuspecting visitors.

Turko picked out his hiding spot within some dense greenery and began to lie in wait "like a lion, seeking whom he may devour."

Finally, he spotted his prey: a hapless family getting out of their Dodge Caravan, parked in a premium space marked for first-time guests. As they guardedly approached the church doors, Turko made his move, leaping from the bushes and thrusting a visitors' packet and informational DVD in their terrified faces, screaming, "WELCOME TO MAROONED CHURCH, HOW ARE YOU FOLKS DOING TODAY?"

The frightened family fled in terror, running for their lives.

"We've tried working with Larry," the pastor sighed. "We've tried to show him the difference between genuine enthusiasm and just plain creepy levels of excitement over a visiting family, and he just can't seem to grasp it."

"This is the third family he's chased away just this month," he added.