PINEWOOD, NV—Pinewood Baptist Fellowship has finally admitted to itself that the church may have a serious hoarding problem after its youth pastor was apparently misplaced, possibly under a large pile of Vacation Bible School decorations from 1992.
According to church members, leadership has been in denial over its serious hoarding issue for years. But leaders were forced to confess the church’s struggle with collecting all sorts of useless junk and never throwing it away when the youth pastor did not come to the stage for announcements at the conclusion of the opening worship set Sunday morning.
As confused parishioners began to shift uncomfortably in their seats, a distant cry was heard backstage, causing several of the deacons to investigate.
Pushing aside several Christmas trees, three broken copiers, five mismatched drum sets, and thirteen busted CRT monitors, the deacons claim to have gotten closer to the sound of the pastor’s frightened cries, estimating that they were coming from underneath Vacation Bible School props placed there sometime during the Clinton administration.
At publishing time, rescue crews had successfully woven their way through the maze of dead XLR cables, scaled the pile of leftover “40 Days of Purpose” promotional material, and begun their descent into the valley of VBS decorations, claiming the muffled sounds were getting closer.