Christian Pharmaceutical Company Offers New Drug To Stop Swearing: Darnitol
· Jul 1, 2019 ·

SHOREWOOD, TX - Faith-based pharmaceutical company Healio announced that the FDA has approved a new drug that would help people with potty mouths watch their language. The new drug Darnitol has gone through rigorous testing and has shown impressive results in taming naughty tongues.

Subjects who underwent testing experienced a sudden shift every time they attempted to swear. The drug caused users to replace swear words with cleaner alternatives such as, "golly," "darn it," and, "fiddle-faddle." Even when the subject's thumbs were smashed with hammers or they were cut off in traffic, the worst words uttered were, "balderdash!" and "by gum."

While the reception of Darnitol has been overwhelmingly positive, one angry test subject filed a lawsuit against Healio, claiming his life has been destroyed by the drug. Rapper Bomb-Dizzle says the drug has destroyed his career as a professional rap artist.

In a statement to the press, Bomb-Dizzle said, "These pickle-brains destroyed my high-falutin' rap career! Golly McJeepers I'm finna diddle-doo these stinkers fo real Dad-gum!"



A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now