OGDEN, UT—After a supremely disappointing decision from the Supreme Court, local Christian Paulson McPaully has reported a brief inclination to start placing his hope in God.
"I'm crushed," Paulson told sources. "I gave my everything to the Supreme Court. My votes, my allegiance, and my everlasting hope have for years been dutifully placed at the feet of the nine robed mystics in charge of America's moral law! That they would betray my trust like this is devastating."
Local evangelical pastor Jay Jableeblee also expressed his dismay. "Leading Christian theologians all agree that a conservative Supreme Court majority is the key to spiritual revival in America," he said. "Thousands of pastors and spiritual leaders have been waiting for the Supreme Court to green-light a bold stance against abortion from behind the pulpit. After this latest disappointing decision, pastors are left wondering how long they will have to wait before they can speak out."
Evangelical leaders have announced they will campaign hard for Trump in 2020 as the "last, best hope" to flip the court before America is plunged into everlasting darkness. They will also be holding vigils on the steps of the court so that the robed sages might hear their cries and grant them favor.
According to sources, Paulson McPaully has decided to see how all that goes before placing his hope in God.